Dear Korea

Hi Korea. How are you? I am fine. I am really enjoying some aspects of your culture, and having a blast exploring your beautiful country but, youknow, we really need to work on this whole "food" issue.

For the past 5 months, I have been very patient. I think you will agree. Now, however, you've reached my breaking point and I don't think that we are going to see eye-to-eye on this issue for a while. I mean, it may take some negotiations, but I'm optimistic that we can reach a compromise.

Below please find a few requests and suggestions that bear some looking into:

1. "Only a little bit of ham" is not vegetarian. Vegetarian also does not mean "Animals that eat vegetables". Now, you may point out that I am not a pure vegetarian, and that I eat chicken (more on that later). But sneaking ham into EVERYTHING is just not... umm... kosher. No, well, I'm not kosher either, I'm using "kosher" to mean, like, "cool". But you knew that, right?

2. Please look into the custom found in certain cultures to remove the skin and bones from animals before eating them. Shards and splinters of chicken bones should not, I repeat, should not become lodged in the windpipe of any person who is attempting to eat lunch. God made chicken using these three rules. Chicken is a) skinless and boneless b) neatly trimmed whitemeat c) wrapped in plastic on a styrofoam tray. Any departure from these rules (including the inclusion of surprise organ meats) will incur much wrath and wringing of hands. One exception: fried chicken, which should never ever ever be eaten with chopsticks. Pick it up, put your elbows on the table and mow down.

3. Ditto for fish. Please remove all skin, fins, bones, HEADS and TAILS before including fish in your national dishes. One should not feel like they are dipping their spoon into a dirty aquarium when eating any sort of soup.

4. Stop telling me to "eat deliciously."

5. In Canada, telling someone that something is "good for your health" (meaning: Ugh, gross, like parsnips and Brussel's sprouts) is sort of like when you set your friend up with someone on a blind date and say "He's a really nice guy" (meaning: I wouldn't touch him with a 10-foot pole, but you seem kinda desperate, so why don't you go out with him?). I don't want to eat something because it's good for me! I want things that are delicious, rich, cheesy, chocolaty, with curry or alfredo and/or some sauce other than that damn red chili paste that you put on everything. Remember: Nobody ever accused pierogies (fried with butter and onions and served with sour cream) of being "good for you".

6. You've got some wicked awesome greens kicking around here. Sweet potato stems, love 'em. That stuff that looks like grass, love it. That other stuff that is some sort of stem and has those kinda leaves on them, oh yes. But, there's nothing fun about plain boiled plant stems. Let's add a bit of, I don't know, butter and pepper? Some basil? Toss with some parmesan? Once again, any seasoning other than red chili paste is great.

7. Cabbage should not be eaten if it is rotten. Cabbage should be boiled in a soup until it is buttery soft and delicious. Cabbage should never be fermented in a slurry made of fish guts and served cold with rice. Saying that this abomination is "good for your health" does not make it more appetizing (see #5).

8. Tofu. Let's talk about it. Why can't you be more like your big brother, China? A plain block of tofu on my cafeteria tray does not make me as happy as that spicy stuff I had on a street in Beijing. AND it was chopstick-pickup-able. I don't know how the Chinese do it, but they have a way with tofu. Then again, they also invented paper, didn't they?

9. Go knock on Malaysia's door and see if you can borrow some curry. I mean, just a little bit.

Thank you, Korea, for looking into this issue for me. I may think of other things that need to be added to this list, and I hope that you will remain open to hearing them.

Yours truly,

Virginia
*who just ate a bag of chips for lunch because the cafeteria at school was serving something indescribably odd.... again.

P.S. Bibimbap and kimbap (opso kogi!) are just fine the way they are.